Our family loves hockey. “Hockey is in our blood,” as my aunt Debbie says from Nova Scotia.

Evan’s papa (my dad) played hockey this past weekend in a fun tournament. Evan of course wanted to see his papa, as he and papa play street hockey regularly, and he adores his “buddy.” Evan’s cousin Wyatt was playing in North Carolina, this same weekend in a tryout (and made the team!).

Since day one, we have tried to allow Evan the opportunity to try activities and experiences, even when previous times have been challenging, so this situation is no exception. As a caregiver, I can easily begin to loose the present moment though by wondering about the sensory stimulus he will encounter once there in the ice rink…the amount of people…the loud buzzer sounds…the echoes…the crashing of the boards…being in a new place…not being able to tangibly get to papa while he is not playing (not understanding why he can’t get on the ice and can’t give him a hug), and papa behind a big mask and equipment. Will Evan have a meltdown? Will he want to leave? (so then should we bring multiple cars, giving disclaimers to who we are attending something with) What comfort items can I bring that will help him if he is heightened? How do I personally remain calm and present so that I am not adding to the anxiety. These ambivalent thoughts are common-place and the struggle to not feel hypervigilance, can only bring more hypervigilance at times honestly.

Some of the prep that I intentionally do for Evan, especially when going to a new place, is google pictures of the place that we are going (This situation, the Kraken arena, and if we were visiting someone new-their picture) and talk through the chronological plan of what we are going to do. Evan normally then begins to say on his own, “Step 1, get on shoes…Step 2 clothes/shoes/brace…Step 3 get in car…” Evan loves steps. He loves (literally) marking the boxes as he goes. Autistic individuals can find comfort in knowing specific plans before they do it and for Evan, visuals are very important. Never play the game “memory” with Evan if you want to win! Ha ha This boy will remember things, especially visuals better than most adults I know can. Incredibly smart. Thinking in pictures.

We get to the arena and Evan did awesome. He also did.not.stop.

We are not talking like a neurotypical 4-year-old, as many people love to add in: “Oh, every 4-year-old loves to move around.” I was sweating. Evan quickly paced back and forth along the boards watching the Zamboni, the players and looking for “number 9!-Where is papa?” Evan used the tall hand sanitizer stands over and over and just kept moving. He walked up and down the bleachers, loving the big booming sounds that we new for him but also easily getting over-stimulated. It’s a push-and-pull for him-He sensory-seeks but then also gets heightened by it (Heightening= struggles to come down and emotional regulate). He wore his sound-proof headphones for a while but then refused to, many times I wonder because he knows not everyone is wearing them. Many people might say, “oh good, he is not having to wear them.” What I know from experience though, is that Evan continues to almost accumulates the stimulus until it needs releasing (sometimes in the situation, sometimes as the day goes on and he gets in a comfortable place). This was no exception. When the periods end, I know a big buzzer sound happens. I would count down these times for Evan and cover his ears for him-preparing and not be surprised is important.

At one point (as the picture shows), Evan wanted to plop on the floor right in between the ice arena and the outside part of the arena. I got closer to him, him telling me when he wanted space and when I could just be within eye distance. He teaches me. When I got in that area, I noticed the sound was more muffled. I said, “It’s quieter in here buddy. You are smart.” He said “So loud in there momma.” When offering to take a break and go all the way outside the building and then come back, he just said he “Wanted to wait for papa….my buddy.” This kid is so-freaking sweet. Many jump to the conclusion that Autistic people cannot be affectionate or that they are cold. In my experience, though all Autistic people are different (“Spectrum” for a reason!) I find that their sensitivity and care is almost over-feeling and they can get overwhelmed with what to do with so many emotions. Sometimes not knowing what the emotion is. What to call it. What it means. What to do with it. It feels scary because it feels big.

Evan is not scared to be who he is. He certainly will not give you the PC answer just because you want it, which I am gradually adjusting to some of the "honest" comments he will give at times (social cues and timing are hard sometimes). This is what I have experienced with many Autistics though, which I love: They don’t sugar-coat. They will say how they feel. Honest opinion which is rare and beautiful.

Resourceful. He knew where the sound was better and knew where to calm! While Evan remained in this foyer, a medical volunteer giving free blood pressure tests in the foyer kept fretting about Evan. She was holding the door open for him, nervous for him on the floor. It made her “uneasy” that he was not acting “typical.” I said to her (always educating and knowing my child is also listening), “Isn’t he doing a great job knowing what he needs? A break.”

Yes people. We get the floor is nasty (yes, I tried to get him to sit up but then I pick my battles). This kid knows what he needs. He is smart-look at him. He knows better than some adults, the importance of taking a break. Please, if you see a kid or adult and they are doing something that might seem “Unusual” to you, instead be curious. Please wonder if they are actually trying to get a need met-a sensory or emotional need met and that they are brave. It’s okay to offer help but when they say they are okay or want to continue, allow them. If they are not harming themselves or others, there is no problem. You see, us caregivers know people around us are wondering why we “allow” our kids to do something or assume we are “allowing tantrums” for instance. Believe me, we are trying. We are over-thinking every possible way to help our kiddos because no one knows our kiddos like we do (Which is wonderful and terrifying). Tantrum are different than meltdowns, genuine struggles to self-regulate that doesn’t just change with age.

After a great night at hockey and Papa scoring a goal, Evan was thrilled to stay longer to have lunch, though pacing and moving quickly as we moved along, anxiety clearly building. We picked a quieter lunch spot and took his ques, knowing though that the time was done. I am lucky to have parents (my mom took Evan and I) who are patient, even though they are changing so much of what their experience looks like because they know Evan is worth it. Not a hand-out.

After a fun but exhausting day, like most activities, I aim to build self-confidence in Evan and practical life skills. That wasn’t just a hockey game which was fun. He is preparing for being in this world- being himself and knowing what he needs to be content.